I couldn't finish my thoughts last time. I started on a big idea but couldn't get the thoughts out before I ran out of steam. The ideas that generated those thoughts is fading and therefore the impetus to write about it. And thank god. I became aware recently that I am tired of suffering. Maybe the only way for it to stop is for me to give up. I began to wonder if I'm ready for that yet.
I think I have accepted that my life will be shorter than originally expected. We talk about travel or vacations and i stop myself before I have to say "if I live that long."
I am also just plain tired; i mean sleepy. i'm going to hit the hay as my dad always used to say. I just couldn't leave this thought from last time unfinished.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Still here...still fighting?
I have spent most of the last three months in the hospital. I have tubes coming out everywhere: a colostomy, 2 nephrostomies, a G tube and a PICC line. Sleeping with all those tubes is bad enough. Lately I've been bleeding from my bladder. Urinating blood clots is a unique experience. It feels like one is passing jello.
Enough of the litany of complaints. It is understood by anyone who glances at this that this reality sucks.
There is hope. My doctor wants to operate and relieve the bowel obstruction. I may still need IV nutrition when they are done but I should have less pain and I could eat. Food. I could put food in my mouth. I want that bite of an italian sub where all the meet and cheese are pressed together moistened by the tangy dressing and crunchy lettuce. I just want the end off of a Ho-Ho. Is that the one I want? The chocolate cake cream filled roll covered with chocolate? That's the one. Pulling the chocolate off the end with a little of the cream with it is the best part. Hot french fries. lobster and butter. PB&J made with strawberry jam. You get the picture.
Before surgery was on the table I was starting to get tired. I was counting my days and starting to pick dates that i wanted to live until. Fear and grief accompanied this exercise of course, but also fatigue. It has been months of unmitigated pain. Although I am young and therefore treatment should be aggressive, it is wearing me down. One of the nurses complimented me on my strength to go through all this. I said, "well, I'm young with young kids. What choice do I have?" She told me some women in my position still gave up.
In a way this was frightenining. I don't want to be unique in my ability to suffer. I want lots of people to have gone through what I am and survive. Let this be ordinary. Maybe, just maybe it is ok to give up? Am I at that place yet. No I am not. I feel as though another door has opened in this process which I'm not ready to walk through yet. Oh god, another metaphor.
I had more to write here but i am too distracted now. Gonna go finish my walk.
Enough of the litany of complaints. It is understood by anyone who glances at this that this reality sucks.
There is hope. My doctor wants to operate and relieve the bowel obstruction. I may still need IV nutrition when they are done but I should have less pain and I could eat. Food. I could put food in my mouth. I want that bite of an italian sub where all the meet and cheese are pressed together moistened by the tangy dressing and crunchy lettuce. I just want the end off of a Ho-Ho. Is that the one I want? The chocolate cake cream filled roll covered with chocolate? That's the one. Pulling the chocolate off the end with a little of the cream with it is the best part. Hot french fries. lobster and butter. PB&J made with strawberry jam. You get the picture.
Before surgery was on the table I was starting to get tired. I was counting my days and starting to pick dates that i wanted to live until. Fear and grief accompanied this exercise of course, but also fatigue. It has been months of unmitigated pain. Although I am young and therefore treatment should be aggressive, it is wearing me down. One of the nurses complimented me on my strength to go through all this. I said, "well, I'm young with young kids. What choice do I have?" She told me some women in my position still gave up.
In a way this was frightenining. I don't want to be unique in my ability to suffer. I want lots of people to have gone through what I am and survive. Let this be ordinary. Maybe, just maybe it is ok to give up? Am I at that place yet. No I am not. I feel as though another door has opened in this process which I'm not ready to walk through yet. Oh god, another metaphor.
I had more to write here but i am too distracted now. Gonna go finish my walk.
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