More bags than a recycling center

I was back in the big house again.  I had another bowel obstruction.  They seem to hit on Friday mornings.  By 9:30 I was in too much pain to see patients.  By 10:30 or so I was home puking in bed.  I went into the hospital an hour or so later.  The upside of all the puking was that it decompressed me enough not to need the NG tube into my nose and stomach like last time.  Things resolved on their own.

My kidneys are another story.  They've been getting progressively blocked and started to fail a little in the hospital.  Not really renal failure but mild insufficiency and some electrolyte abnormalities.  I so desperately wanted to go home but even I had to admit a potassium of 3.0 was worth sticking around to get fixed.  I am home now with bilateral nephrostomy tubes.  They stuck tubes into my kidneys through my flanks and hooked them up to bags at my waist.  If I thought the ostomy bag was intrusive it's nothing compared to these babies.  the tubing fully stretched hangs to my feet and each bag can hold 600 cc's.  As my husband puts it, that's almost 2 beers.  If you want the funny version of this story go to drbifsworld.blogspot.com for all the details.

While getting chemo yesterday a nice lady gave me a manicure.  She did one hell of a job.  She needs a new eyeglass prescription.  For all her shmearing around they ended up looking ok.  She was a hoot to talk with.  She's a sephardic jew, very old school.  We have  a mutual friend who is dying of uterine cancer.  My manicurist was one of those annoyingly optimistic people who believes in the power of positive thinking.  I think people who believe in this have never had anything really catastrophic happen in their lives.  Either that or they are just stupid.  Forgive me G-d.

She mentioned the book "The Secret" which several well meaning people have told me about.  It tells you that you will get what you most desire in life if you just wish hard enough for it.  Then cosmic forces will magically align to make it happen.  Uh huh, sure.

Now to give these people they're due I have managed to make the things I wanted in my life happen.  I became a doctor against some unlikely odds such as nearly failing intro chemistry in college.  I married the love of my life after spending my entire young adulthood devoid of any meaningful relationships or even good sex.  I even learned to sing a solo after years of stage fright.  But I don't think I can wish this cancer away. 

When I was about 13 I became immersed in the books by JRR Tolkien just as that crowd is obsessed with Harry Potter today.  I finally read one of the books.  JK Rowling's got nothin' ol' JRR.  I remember wondering if I could go to Middle Earth.  If I thought about it hard enough and wished for it hard enough could I just go there?  I'd moon out the window at night, staring at the full moon and try and commit my mind to leaving everything I had to go to this fiercesome place.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't let go.  It was not that I wasn't stupid at that age and new that however fantastic the story sounded to read it was probably hell to live through (as all good adventures are).  I just couldn't let go completely.

I'm not sure it's the same now but i can't bring myself to a place where I can wish the cancer away or pretend it doesn't exist.  I think it is because if I fail I would be devastated.  This is the failure of this "Make a Wish" doctrine.  If your great wish does not come true it must be your fault for not believing enough in the positive force of your dreams.  I don't need guilt along with my suffering.

I will continue to live, not as if I don't have cancer.  I will continue to live life despite the cancer.  I will continue to look for clinical trials and aggressive treatments but I will also continue to work and spend time with my kids and have fun.  I will try, it is hard, but I will try every now and then to forget.