A glimpse of my future?

I've been hospitalized again. I developed an acute bowel obstruction at work. The cramps started as I finished up with my second patient of the morning. They were bad, very bad. I went around the corner in the office not sure how dramatic I was being. I told myself as one came on, "I will not make noise, I will not make noise." Still little grunts came out. I was crying and shaking by the time I got over here to the hospital. They got me a room right away. By the time I was in a gown and into the bed I was yelling in pain. I've been through a lot but I've never done that.

Finally the dilaudid was in. It was like being wrapped in a warm blanket and I could breathe. Not for long, I threw up once and then Mr. NG tube came along. One nurse held my head while the other rammed that thing down my nose and into my stomach. Excrutiating. Not sure how much good it did initially since I threw up 2 more times.

Why am I telling you all this? I was sent for a CT scan which showed what we expected, a pretty good obstruction. One of the nurses asked me about it. They didn't know I was obstructed from adhesions and radiation. They thought it was tumor. I guess most women with bowel obstructions come up here to die like this. Oh my god.

As I get better now I think of putting another foot in the abyss. For years I have been sleeping at the edge of the abyss looking down on the death that will come. Sometimes I can only see the edge some times I can see in from where I lie. This time I put a foot in. Water's a little chilly for me. I don't want to die like that.